scotlandyard | I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ANYMORE!!

[Sometimes, Iwaizumi likes to imagine what his life would've been like if he'd never met Oikawa Tooru. A lot quieter and a lot less annoying and, hell, maybe he'd even actually have a girlfriend right now. (Not that he has the time for one right now, not with volleyball club and entrance exams approaching but the thought's nice to entertain all the same.) Of course, it's hard to imagine given how long he and Oikawa have been friends, and the other boy's become such a permanent fixture in his life that Iwaizumi doesn't even flinch when his door slams open and there's the dull thud of a body hitting the blankets on his futon.

He does, however, look up from his calculus homework with a bored look.]

Did your girlfriend dump you again?

[Not nearly enough loud wailing for that to have really happened, but it's a possibility nonetheless.]

[There's a muffled hum in response before Oikawa's flipping himself over on his side to get a good look at what Iwaizumi's doing. Wow, homework... how plain and unexciting and exactly what he'd expected to find.]

Why's that the first thing you think of to ask? [he grumbles as he drags a nearby magazine across the floor so he can half-heartedly flip through its contents.] I could just be visiting my best friend, after all.

[Okay, so maybe he and his girlfriend had gotten into a bit of an argument and maybe things had taken a sharp turn south, but it wasn't like they had officially broken up or anything. Even so, leave it to Iwaizumi to read him like an open book.]

[It's only reasonable. If he gets his homework done now, he can veg all of tomorrow and finally get around to doing that dinosaur movie marathon he'd been planning for weeks. It's all a matter of priorities. And right now, homework takes top priority as Iwaizumi turns back to his homework and scrawls out half an answer.

Also have fun with May's issue of Volleyball Monthly, Oikawa. You're still not in it.]

You never visit unless you want to complain about something or make me go out somewhere with you.

[Don't even deny it, he'll recite the last ten visits and the reasons behind them from memory if he has to.]

[When will Oikawa achieve his dreams...!! Forever destined to have nothing in life.

But ugh, he's already read this one so he shoves the magazine aside and takes to resting his chin against his hand as he watches Iwaizumi work on his assignment, finding the usual comfort in his company.]

I guess you're right. We're at that point in our relationship where nothing is a surprise. [Exaggerated wistful sighing goes here.] We've gotten old, Iwa-chan. The children never visit us anymore.

[And as expected, all Oikawa continues to do is spout nonsense to anyone who will listen, a population that usually only consists of his fangirls and very occasionally Iwaizumi. Homework is looking to be a bust though, so he closes his textbook and slides it aside, though he still doesn't bother looking at Oikawa.]

Like I would ever take care of kids with you, Trashykawa.

[Mostly because Oikawa as a parent would be a literal nightmare. No sense subjecting the world to that.]

[Excuse?? He'd be a great parent!! ... Maybe.

Oikawa laughs lightly at the thought, shifting his position on Iwaizumi's futon again so that he's on his back and facing the ceiling. There's a pensive expression on his face, the argument with his girlfriend returning to prick irritably at his thoughts.]

... Do you think we would have dated? If one of us had been born a girl.

[It's a sudden question, but not one that Oikawa had never thought of before.]

[Turns around on his chair, swinging one over so he can hook his arms over the back of the chair to reply:]

No way.

[Easily said, and without any malice or intent to harm. It's a thought-provoking question, sure, but what ifs aren't situations Iwaizumi likes to spend a lot of time pondering, mostly because time is a commodity and there's no point in giving any less than 100% to things currently at hand.]

Neither of us are ever going to be girls anyway, so why does it matter?

[Oikawa would be a cute girl though, that much he can easily picture. She'd - he'd? - still have a legion of fans, though this time adoring males, all trailing behind her - him? - and offering to carry books.

For some reason, the thought makes him scowl.]

[He's suddenly glad he's facing the ceiling and not Iwaizumi. He thinks he feels the brief flash of disappointment in his eyes at the quick answer, but it's smothered away in a second. Rejection doesn't sit well with Oikawa even in hypothetical situations, but this one feels especially crushing.]

It doesn't, not really. But it's something to think about, isn't it?

[He grabs the pillow out from under his head, clutching it to his chest as he rolls over onto his stomach so he can squint at Iwaizumi and give him a quick once-over.]

Iwa-chan would've made such a plain-looking girl, I probably wouldn't have ever noticed her!

[—Ouch. An comeback expected of Oikawa, though it doesn't mean Iwaizumi doesn't scowl all the same and pick up his pencil from the desk to throw it at the figure currently lying on his bed.]

I could still kick your ass even as a girl.

[Maybe he'd still be the reigning arm-wrestling champion too, albeit on the girl's team. That's not important though. Figuring out what's bothering Oikawa is more important, even if it'll take every bit of patience he's got.]

Do you think you'd have better luck with a boyfriend if you were a girl? Is that it?

[The laugh that comes out of him is genuine when he dodges the pencil, thanks A+ reflexes. Oikawa doesn't doubt Iwaizumi's claim, girl or boy, his friend could be awfully scary. Ah, but there it was again, Iwaizumi hitting the right points on the nose.]

I wonder—! None of my relationships have ever worked out well, this current one included.

[He smiles despite his words, though there's a bitterness present at the edges that he doesn't bother to hide.]

Not that I can blame anyone but myself. I know I'm not the easiest person to deal with.

[The pencil having missed its intended target, Iwaizumi settles back down in his chair, chin resting on his forearms as he stares pointedly at Oikawa. They've had this conversation a few times and he'll say the same thing each time.]

Relationships take time. If someone isn't willing to put up with you, they don't deserve you.

[Said seriously, as though he isn't the inexperienced one between the two of them. Also with any luck Oikawa won't catch on to that half-compliment tucked away.]

[But that was it, wasn't it? He didn't think anyone but Iwaizumi was willing to put up with him. Maybe that was why he had asked that question earlier, about them dating. Maybe it took an entire childhood and then some to be able to stand Oikawa.]

Hah... How'd you get to be so wise, Iwa-chan? Like an old, old man.

[His tone takes on a teasing lilt as he smiles at his friend.]

Then again, something has to balance out that unfortunate face of yours.

[There aren't any pens left within arm's reach for him to chuck so Iwaizumi settles for glaring daggers at Oikawa at the familiar insult.]

One of us has to be the adult here since you won't.

[Hasn't that been his role since childhood, the responsible one and Oikawa's constant babysitter? If nothing else, it's instilled in him a good amount of patience for situations like these, where Oikawa wobbles between actually being honest and staying safely behind his wall of masked smiles and lighthearted jabs.]

If you could pick any girl in the world to date, what type would you go for?

[Ignoring the fact of whether or not said girl would actually have the patience to put up with him or not. His fanclub's pretty homogeneous, composed of squealing brainless girls. Maybe he wants something different.]

[Oikawa falls silent at the question as he purses his lips in thought and his fingers pick at the edges of the futon. His ideal type... It's a fun topic to discuss, but he can't help feeling like he's skirting a dangerous line here. He's considered his type before, more than once, and each time he'd felt an uncomfortable twist in his gut at the similarities he'd found between his ideal girl and his best friend.

But that was normal, right? Oikawa had spent so much of his life with Iwaizumi, it was difficult not to think of their relationship as the ideal.

When he finally answers, it's after he's already carefully chosen his words.]

The older type?

[He snickers to himself, both slightly amused and slightly embarrassed.]

A mature woman wouldn't let me get away with the usual things that cause trouble in my relationships, but she'd also be understanding when it comes to my priorities.

[Oikawa, that's gross. God, why are his pens on the opposite side of the desk?]

A mature woman would also get you in jail.

[And not even Oikawa deserves to have his ass in jail for 24 hours for hooking up with an older woman. The answer's not surprising though, not really, and Iwaizumi shifts in his chair, gaze going a bit more thoughtful at the tidbits he's been given.]

Three are girls our age who could do that too. Do you really not like any of the girls in our year?

[Look, he's offering to play wingman just this once.]

[Ah, Iwaizumi, even reliable in situations like these.

Oikawa smiles and shakes his head, clutching the pillow tighter against his chest. The girls in his year are fine, but that's it. That's all they are. He's even gone out with girls from different schools, but again, nothing.]

No.

[And then he's ducking his head and pressing his face against the pillow so that his next few words come out muffled.]

I don't like any of the girls.

[Fair enough. There's a couple of girls he thinks are cute but none he'd seriously consider going out with. Though really, that begs the slightly disgruntled question of:]

Then why do you keep going out with them?

[Masochism doesn't suit you, Oikawa.]

[Peeks up from where he has his face smashed against the pillow.]

Iwa-chan, I'm a hopeless romantic! One of those girls could be my future wife, if only I gave up the time to get to know her!

[Look, maybe he just needs to keep trying?? Oikawa is all about trying, okay, this is one of those things.]

[That is the stupidest thing he's ever heard and he'll prove it by getting up off his chair, walking over to his bed, and doing his best to mash Oikawa's face into the pillow.]

Like hell you are.

[Okay, but for real though, back to the conversation at hand. There's something niggling at the back of his mind that he doesn't know if he should voice or not. It's maybe one of the stupidest things he'll ever going to say in his life and it's probably not even true, but from the way things have gone so far, Iwaizumi can't help but wonder if it's actually true. Letting go of Oikawa's head, he shoves his friend over so he can plop down on his bed.]

Are you sure you even like girls?

[Grunts when his face is mashed back down, but then he's popping back up with a laugh. Oikawa doesn't mind being shoved aside to make room and once Iwaizumi's settled, he scoots closer.]

Of course I like girls. What sort of question is that?

[He's dated enough of them to know. Girls were pretty and soft and had nice voices. It was Oikawa who couldn't give them the time or effort they wanted.]

[It's precisely as it sounds, Iwaizumi putting his elbows on his knees and then propping his chin on his fist. He doesn't look at Oikawa while he talks, picking a small crack on his wall to stare at instead, but his voice is serious all the same.]

You've dated a lot of girls but never bothered to make it work. You're not the kind of guy to do anything half-heartedly. [He's witnessed enough of that firsthand, growing up.] If you really liked someone you'd find some way to make it work.

[And, true, maybe he hasn't found the right girl yet, but there have been a lot of girls.]

[There's no doubt this time, he feels the panic creeping in on all sides and he briefly struggles to keep his breathing even. He can't do this right now, can't even think about where this is leading up to.

Oikawa reaches out a hand and tugs on Iwaizumi's sleeve, expression plainly unhappy.]

Let's talk about something else.

[Nailed it.

Except no, Iwaizumi's expecting another retort, another insult flung his way for being stupid enough to even think such a thing, and his chin slips off his hands at the unexpected change of topic. Once his balance is restored, he swings his head around to stare wide-eyed.]

Do you actually like guys?

[Was he actually right about that?]

No!

[The denial rushes out before he can stop to think, to hold back and cushion it with something extra to make it sound more believable. Oikawa jerks back, away from Iwaizumi to hastily sit up and put some distance between them.

His breaths turn short and his eyes roam around the room and suddenly it feels too cramped. He likes girls, that's how it is, that's how it's supposed to be. Anything else had been carefully hidden away, shoved to the darkest corners of his mind where he wouldn't have to think about it.

He can't salvage this, not when it's Iwaizumi watching him, but he has to make an attempt.]

It's not like that, [he protests. It's weak, clumsy.] I just haven't met the right girl yet. That's all.

[The vehemence of the reply catches him off-guard, enough that he can only stare at Oikawa as the other boy pulls away and curls around himself protectively. It takes him a moment to shake off the surprise, after which he makes sure to pick out his words carefully.]

It's fine if you like guys.

[Still a little weird to him but--honestly they've been friends for so long that this reveal is nothing more than a quick blip in his radar.]

Did I think I wouldn't be friends with you anymore if you did?

NONE OF US DO IT'S ALL GOOD!!

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that was the cheesiest tag i've read today. "pretty and soft"

(; wink wonk

8///

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